As the title of the post suggests, I’ve been dealing with some paranoia on and off for the last couple of months, which means med changes a.k.a. being a pharmaceutical guinea pig. The paranoia flared up again last week so I’ve been thinking and reading a lot about psychosis, and it’s something I feel should be talked about much more openly. We can’t humanize or destigmatize something if we don’t talk about it. Of course, this is an anonymous blog – but hey, it’s a start. I promise I’m a real person.
First let me clarify what I mean by paranoia. For me, at this time, it ranges from “that person hates me and wants to harm me somehow” to “the government is watching me every time I leave my apartment.” The first could potentially be true. The second is less likely to be true, although let’s face it, the government does have the capacity to watch us, so it’s more a matter of whether the government actually cares about me in particular, which it probably doesn’t. A lot of my paranoia centers around law enforcement, which was triggered by an actual (recent) bad experience with a police officer, and is also grounded in the reality that mentally ill and/or autistic people are more likely to be harmed in encounters with police than the average person because their behavior seems “suspicious” even when all they’re doing is talking fast or stimming with a piece of string (does that make the police paranoid?).
And that’s what I really want to talk about: how these delusions can be grounded in real and legitimate fears. The popular view of psychosis is something totally irrational and arbitrary. Well, it is irrational, but I don’t believe it is arbitrary. I just recently read Elyn Saks’ memoir The Center Cannot Hold (which I highly recommend). Elyn Saks is a professor of mental health law who also has schizophrenia. She has benefited from medication, but also from psychoanalysis that was not afraid to address the content of her delusions. Traditionally, psychiatry has treated the content as irrelevant.
There is definitely a distortion that goes on in my paranoid thinking – what are the chances that my husband is accessing a secret database of information about me for nefarious purposes? not great – but the underlying psychological impulse can be rooted in reality. I mean, in this example, the internet does have a scary amount of information about us, which can be misused. It’s just unlikely that my husband will be the one to misuse it.
My experiences with other people have not been overwhelmingly positive. Thanks to my social awkwardness, misleading body language, and emotional instability, I have the distinction of turning lots of people off. I look angry when I’m not. I say the wrong thing, or neglect to say the right one. As a child, I was a magnet for bullying from peers and psychological abuse from adults who didn’t like me. Sometimes the peers and the adults collaborated.
So when someone passes me in the hall at my son’s school and I think they are giving me strange, hostile looks – how much of that is real, how much is me misinterpreting their facial expression, and how much is mild paranoia? It’s tough to say.
I crave friendship, human connection. I want to believe the best of people. But over and over, they hurt and disappoint me. That is not conducive to trust.
There are a few awesome people in my life who get me, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are the reason I’m not homeless or continually in and out of mental hospitals. They are a very small and vital minority.
I guess I’ll stop there, since it’s a semi-positive note. I don’t want to give too much away, in case someone from the government is reading.
(Just kidding! Or am I? *cue suspenseful music*)